11 months ago

11 months ago I was sitting in Florida enjoying a book and the nice weather. I would go to bed at night wondering if this deployment would ever end, wondering if my husband would be there when I went into labor or be able to even know that our son had been born. I was pretty sure that he would not be there and I thought that I had come to terms with it, but really, you can't come to terms with the fact that your husband would not be there to see your first child come into this world. This Friday will mark 11 months since our beautiful baby boy came into this world and probably once a week I think about my husband not being there. I was watching the last episode for the season of How I Met Your Mother and saw Lilly deliver with her husband right next to her. I admit it, I teared up...like I do every time I see a husband able to be there with his wife. I seriously can't even imagine how great it would be to hold my husband's hand while I'm having a contraction or hearing his voice and seeing his face while im pushing (he was on the phone as I delivered but he stayed pretty quiet). We talked the other day about where he was while we were on the phone as I delivered and what he was thinking. He was just standing there outside (it was the middle of the night for him) and all he thought was that I was delivering 2 weeks early. I will never be able to know how he really was feeling at the exact moment I was delivering his son but as disappointed as I was that he wasn't there I know that it was even worse for him. I wonder what it will be like when we get pregnant again. What will it be like for my husband to actually feel our child moving in my belly or even just see my belly grow? I know that once we finally get settled somewhere we will start discussing another kid (if I had my way it would have happened 5 months ago). But I knows that we need to be a family of 3 for a little bit before we add another little person into our lives.