Its been a while...

So its been a while since I blogged last. I haven't really known what to say. And now I kinda do...
So many people have been saying, "You must be so excited!" or "How excited are you?" talking about being pregnant. And you can think I'm a bad person, or whatever you'd like to think, but I'm not excited. For only 15 days did I feel "whole". And by that I mean, I had my husband with me, and WE together got to be happy about our baby. And although I am more than happy and excited about the end result, getting to see and hold our baby boy, I feel like part of me is missing. Some people will say, "Well you chose this life, you know what you are getting into when you marry a soldier." And yes, I did fall in love with a soldier and I made the decision to marry him and we made the decision to have a child. But NO ONE can prepare for a deployment. No matter how much you think you have prepared, the emotions, the sadness, the anxiety, the tears that well up in your eyes when your phone rings and its HIM calling. You cannot get ready for that. My husband has missed EVERY part of the pregnancy except for one appointment. And yes, I try to do anything and everything to include him. I send probably 4 emails a day, I send belly pictures, I took video at the last appointment of the heart beat (Although he cannot download it and hear it). He is still not part of it like a husband should be. So no, I'm not excited. I'd be ok fast forwarding to July and missing out on the last 15 weeks of the pregnancy. But since i can't do that I will suck it up and continue to be sad that my husband cannot be part of what is suppose to be the best moments in our life. I know that it has to be more than hard for him as well. But would I know that, NO, not unless he tells me, and he doesn't. I have to sit at home and try to continue to truck through every day, and wonder what he is doing, if he is getting enough sleep, if he is getting enough to eat, if he is getting shot at. Everyone tells you, "Keep a positive attitude and everything will be just fine." People say, "Suck it up." I want to tell those people, "YOU TRY TO DO THIS!" As if keeping a positive attitude can actually keep my husband from getting shot. How would you feel is your husband was half a world away, and you couldn't know exactly where he was, or what he was doing? How would you feel if every time you spoke to your husband, which was at most once a week, he sounded like he hadn't slept in days. Or when he tells you that he has only been able to eat one meal a day and he can no longer wear his wedding ring because it falls off of him. Then imagine knowing that he still has 300+ days left over there! You do this, then tell me to suck it up. I realize that hundreds of thousands of wives get up and start their day the exact same way I do, checking their phone to see if an email came from him, then realizing that it hasn't. I even know that many wives are pregnant while their husbands are deployed. But not having those wives right next to me, and be able to go to lunch with them, really makes me feel alone. Yes I have my Army Wife friends, and if it weren't for them I'd be way worse off than I am now. But I'm thousands of miles away from any of them. Phone calls are amazing, but seeing them, and getting a hug from them and without saying a word the comfort for knowing, "We're going through the same thing, and I know how you feel.", would be a lot different.
I guess that's enough for now. Sorry its so long, but I've had a lot on my mind. Thank you to my friends that keep me as sane as I could be right now. You all have a most special place in my heart.
I love my husband more than anything in the world.